The other day my husband said to me
"You have been different this pregnancy."
I told myself from the beginning this time around it would be different. Now, from the very beginning I didn't know that this would be my last pregnancy but that is something that has become more clear to me now and had an affect on me but, not from the start though, I just knew I wanted this pregnancy to be different.
Not that there was anything wrong with my first time around, I just had a clearer outlook this time, knew what was important. I have watched so many of my family and friends struggle with seriously infertility or just frustrations in general with conceiving, or loss. It made me realize I may have really taken my experience for granted.
My first go 'round I got off of my birth control "had fun with it" for two months, zilch, tracked for one month and got pregnant. I remember someone telling me "be careful who you tell they to," which now I get why she said that but, at the same time though everyone's journey is different and I shouldn't have to feel like it's rude or offensive that I got pregnant right away the first time that was my path. There is nothing I did that controlled that. So much of the process is out of our control, this is true for pregnancy, birth, and parenting. We should all be able to share our journeys without shame or judgement.
The second time around I thought the same would hold true, so imagine my surprise when my perfect timeline blew up in my face and "8 months behind schedule" here I was with an empty uterus. It's frustrating to say the least, but nothing in comparison to what some of my nearest and dearest have been through. Things really got put into perspective.
That disruption in my perfect plan gave me a chance to grow more gratuitous. You become a little jaded though. There was no big announcement today my husband, or to my family and friends. I woke up in a cold sweat on day 32 of my cycle, no period, entered the data into my app and there was a ? for when my next ovulation would be. FINE! I'll take a pregnancy test, after months of negatives what's one more. So, I drove to the 24 hours Walgreens and 6:30 in the morning and got the two pack. Pee, flush, wait.
Life went on. I didn't shout it from the roof tops. I called my OB made my initial appointment and went about my day with my daughter, popped my prenatal, outside to play. I eventually made an announcement on my site and page when we knew it was a baby girl, but I almost didn't do that.
It's not that I didn't want to celebrate or that I wasn't elated. I was relieved. I didn't want to keep feeling like I was failing at this thing that we are supposed to be able to do so naturally, I didn't want it to consume me anymore, I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want the constant "how are you feeling, when are you due." I just wanted it for me. My blessing. My happiness. Mine. I didn't want to share it.
I felt like I am pregnant, people get pregnant all of the time, it doesn't change my ability to, do my job or live my life. I didn't want people treating me like I was broken. And I didn't want them in on MY joy.
Is that mean? Idk but I wanted something for me. Plus, I have learned so much in the passed three years that I was terrified that something would be wrong and I felt almost a guilt to be having a second child when I knew what it could really take to get pregnant. Like REALLY, what I went through was a smudge on the radar. Also, I already had a beautiful, healthy baby girl, some people had none, people who really wanted it, deserved it. It felt mean to flaunt it, unnecessary.
I'm just pregnant, I'm not that special, I wanted it but I did not have complete control over it. I am just a vessel for this blessing.
You don't have to tell everyone. Hell, you don't have to tell anyone (maybe your partner, but that none of my business.) However you want your experience to unfold is entirely up to you. This time I controlled the narrative.
This time around I have so much more respect for the process.
So much more grace for the honor.
So much more patience.
This is a gift. The ultimate gift.
The nausea is a blessing, when I couldn't see or feel her yet that was my one sign that she was growing.
This rib kicks, remind me she is there and getting strong.
I am thankful for the exhaustion, she is taking all of the energy she needs to grow and develop.
I won't get to do this again, there is no rush, I relish the journey.
What an impossible miracle it is to create a life. The magnitude of this is not lost on me.
How incredible to have this opportunity twice, I do enjoy sharing it, but I will never regret how long it was just her and I.
I don't complain (well very little), I don't ask for special treatment but I know my limits.
It's only 10 months, then I get to have the rest of my life with her, I would barely call it a sacrifice, it's a privilege.
Shauna Hyler, mommy of two beautiful girls! Working, blogging, and adventuring with the hubby and my sweet girls.