A tale of two shits.

If you are offended by the word shit, you may want to head out now, because THIS is all about a shitty adventure I had.

​If you have followed me for any period of time you probably know I am pretty crafty. I love to try to make things on my own instead of buying them (within reason), or transforming old things to make them useful. So, naturally, our story begins in a craft store. A fabric store to be exact. I was looking for fabric to update my second hand glider to match babygirl's big girl room better. Anywho, I have no idea why the whole family went but there we were. We are three steps into the store and those fucking marketing geniuses captured my toddlers little eye with rainbow bouncy balls, fine whatever, I'm not buying this dumb ten dollar ball but, I am not above with "product testing" while we shop.
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Here I am so motivated, let's get in and out, we head to the fabric section. Two aisles in, what is that smell?! You got it, "what is a shit diaper, for 200 Alex."

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Before we get to the meat and potatoes of the story you need to know one detail, whenever I try to place my kid on to the public changing table she goes stiff. Stiff as a fucking board. No flex to her body, neck off of the mat, flat legs, no desire to help a mother out.

Anyways there we were, me, her, rainbow bouncy ball, public restroom changing table, toddler in full shavasana. Of course the poop is completely smashed to her butt because the best time to make a huge pile, is IN the car seat on the way to a store. After a little coaxing and song singing we got the job done and thankfully no one was there to witness my dog and pony show, because of course, this changing table was outside the stalls. Great, not to bad moving on. Didn't find the fabric I wanted, put said expensive ball back and got out of the store after an unnecessary amount of family fun time in there and one smashed turd. Not too bad hey? Why not push our luck.

The following week I needed materials because my kid needs a custom floral headband made for Easter. NEEDS. Also, I needed the paper and what not for those big flowers I made for above her bed. Craft store family fun trip number two. You already know they had those same rainbow balls and one made it into the bathroom with us once again, and got purchased this time but, that's not the good part. Let's get down to the juicy part, pun intended.

Shopping around, again way longer than necessary even though I had a detailed list. She doesn't want to stay in the cart but, doesn't want other customers looking at her. Every time someone looked at her she ran to my husband or I and clawed at our legs till we picked her up. Back and forth between us and in and out of the cart and destroying things, naturally. About ready for check out, heading to the line when....the toddler I am holding feels damp, and smells funny. My flannel feels damp, weird, I smell funny....

I pull her away from me and what do we do mom's say it together "smell that butt!!!" Sweet Satan. Death. Liquid, #4, death. Diaper escapee death. Out of the diaper, out of the pants, through the flannel, onto the undershirt. Why me? Why?

....No big deal right? Take her in the bathroom and change her outfit. You wouldn't be caught in public without a spare outfit would you momma? You bet your ass I would, she used her spare outfit at daycare. The only thing in that baby go bag was a sad wet outfit she shat through earlier in the week at daycare that I forgot to take out. FUCK.


There we were, my stiff body, corpse posing child, me, the public changing table, another god damned neon bouncy ball (that I actually paid for before we hit the bathroom this time), no change of clothes for either of us, and a shit covered couple of brown girls. Why???


I get her changed and cleaned as well and I can but i had to put her poo pants back on because it was cold out still and she couldn't be pants-less. We get to the car and I don't know why I didn't think of, the car seat! Fuck me right? They are a nightmare to clean and your allowed to basically use spit and tepid water to clean them which is going to do nothing to cleanse out toddler bodily fluids. Good thing my car is a disaster because there was a random pair of pants there waiting for me to put under her butt.


My reward for my lack of preparation and taking a toddler into craft stores twice in under a weeks time, riding home in too cold of weather to roll down a window smelling like my outfit was just dipped in someone's asshole.


What did we learn here? Do your errands alone! Don't carry your toddler! Always have a spare outfit! Bring a nose plug!...

Motherhood is a dish best served with humor and sarcasm.