As I have finished up nursing I notice I haven't had much of a reason to talk about my boobs anymore, and there hasn't been much of them to talk about. Insert crying Kimoji here. Like, I was an "on demand milk tapper" for 12 months and this is what I get? I mean I didn't really think I was gonna come out of this with just a smaller version of my once pretty amazing cha-chas (if I do say so myself). But, this? This is unfair.
For those of you who have had kids and nursed I know you are feeling my pain right about now. For those of you who have not nursed, I would love some feed back on if Gravity has done such a number on you or if you have escaped unscathed. If you were able to nurse and keep something attached to you body that resembles you former FUN bags in anyway, don't tell me I don't know if my heart can take it.
Picture: you put and orange inside of a sock, and then you smashed the orange with a frying pan, now hold the sock at the top. You get my drift? Not the best right?
I was sooooooooo excited to got to underwear drawer and pull out a slinky little bra with NO NURSING CLIPS! When the day finally came I was like a preteen getting her first training bra. The memories of my peppermint slathered, cold compress covered, milk drying boobs were fading away....ahhhhhh.
Wait? What? Who put this bra in here? Why is it so big? Or who the fuck snuck in here and sprinkled some of shit Alice drank to make her shrink on my previously perfectly sized, 26 year old boobs?
I am pissed. I look down and my girls are just floating around in there like Jared in his fat man pants on a Subway commercial. This is just not fair, plus there are very subtle stretch marks, (ya know from the whole orange in the sock effect.)
I am telling you this because I didn't think that this was going to happen to me. I was the hot chick in the gym with the tiny waist that NEVER lost her boobs. It was like my super power! Now it's gone, sigh.
So there you go members of the "itty bitty titty committee" branches of the world. You win ok? You win! Where do I get my membership card?
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Ok, so I have been on a bit off a hiatus as of late because, life. Ellie turned one, Chris got a new job, and we moved in with my mom (more on that later...oooff). Anyways, trying to get back and track and relatively normal. Took a nice little mundane trip to the grocery store yesterday, said no mom ever.
There we were, wheeling through the store in the special cart that looks like a truck, complete with two seats, and count em...two steering wheels, which my kid had to turn both of simultaneously because, duh. Produce section. Owned. Deli, sure I'll take some. Dairy, yes I think we need some yogurt, string cheese....what THE fuck is that screech? Whose kid is making that God awful noise (sucks to be her). Oh shit that's my kid.
Come on! Aren't you having the time of your life in this stupid contraption that is wider than a freakin' 4X4, and is clearly built for looks not function. OK! Fine I will pick you up. Got her out off the cart and I am still wearing the diaper bag at this point, which is not going to work for me because I am not carrying a 20lb baby AND pushing the most fucking ridiculous cart in the whole that just is not good enough for the queen of everything miss E. Luckily I just recently perfected this new move, has not been named or patented yet but, you slide the strap of the diaper bag off of you shoulder, let the thing drop to the floor, then you side step out of the strap. This move is especially good for preventing things like: dropping your kid! Throwing out your shoulder! Ripping your headband and sunglasses off of your head while you struggle to escape the death grip of your diaper bag whilst maneuvering your giant baby around on your hip.
Moving on, dairy. "Daaaaaattttt!" The age where you kid has the brain compacity to recognize and request things is amazing and horrible. String cheese why you gotta be so delicious? "This? Yes we will get some string cheese...." This is the point it was ripped from my grip and the baby started to naw on the outside of this packaging which just makes my skin crawl. "Ok let's, put it into the cart. High pitched SQUEALLLLLLLLLL. You have never seen someone open a package of string cheese so fast in your life I can promise you that.
For now the beast is tamed and I know that I am on borrowed time here and better wrap it up fast. Cheese is gone, not the beast is back on the prowl, eyeballing and reaching for everything that I put into the cart. Now she is just straight over this shit. Wants to get down and WALK. Now normally since it was my day off and I am in no hurry I would let her. There was just one small problem, when we got her dressed that morning before our quick trip to Barnes & Noble, I put her in these adorable glitter Mocs, 50% because they are cute 50% because the only pair of sandals that she has that fit right now are purple and they didn't match. So, we get into Nobes and she is walking aroun weird, so I look at her Fred Flintstones and they are smashed into these shoes like Vienna sausages. So I, had to take them off and now carry here around there. Now, yes my kid Is shoeless in the grocery store and there is not a change in hell I am letting her walk around on this salmonella greased concrete.
CUE: backbend in a fit of protest. You know what I did. I kept freaking shopping! How did I get here? I promised I would never be this person "she should just leave her cart" "why would she just keep shopping" "she needs to leave" I deserved this. I was so young, and dumb, and naive. This was just bound to happen. All I wanted in this moment was for ONE single shopper to be someone who would take pity and me and give the Katniss three finger salute in solidarity like "I feel ya girl." But, no such thing happened, I did get several scowls from elderly shoppers whose day I clearly fucking ruined with my meer existence.
Luckily she got a grip on her life before it was time to pay. And me? I ate every last crumb of that humble pie the universe served up.
Shauna Hyler, mommy of two beautiful girls! Working, blogging, and adventuring with the hubby and my sweet girls.